Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
