im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
