Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
