You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
