my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
