My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
