she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
