True but thats because hes a fetus.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
