we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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