And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
