it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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