I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
