i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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