Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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