I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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