I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
