i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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