i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
