Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
