Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
