I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
