You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
