I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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