I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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