Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
