Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
