I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
