And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
NoShamevember. You game?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
