I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
