my phone needs a breathalizer
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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