last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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