: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
