we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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