Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
