Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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