nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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