Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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