Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
