I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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