I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
