I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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