Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
