saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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