Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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