before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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