She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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