I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
