the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
