I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
