How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
