these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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