I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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